Triggers: Holiday Version

Holiday seasons can seem to be unbearable for a while during a break up, separation or divorce. We  went from celebrating as one big happy family for 20 plus years to two different families. Most of the time when children are involved in the divorce settlement you are granted alternating holidays or it every odd year the mom gets all of the holidays and every even year dad, etc. Whichever way it lands you will be without your children on certain holidays. It can be the most painful part of the year for you. 

My Story

I loved the holidays especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. I loved having all my family together included extended family on both my side and his. Our children would even sometimes bring their friends around (because our house was the house to be). Thanksgiving for years, before my Dad passed, would start on the Sunday before Thanksgiving. He would come stay with us for that entire week. We would go shopping on Saturday or Sunday before Thanksgiving for all of the items needed for him to cook a Thanksgiving feast. Then every day from Saturday/Sunday to Wednesday he would cook his grandchildren’s favorite meals with their help. Early Wednesday morning he would start prepping for Thanksgiving dinner. I remember several times during this week coming home and finding him and all his grandchildren sitting in the kitchen with Food Network, Good Morning America or Family Feud on the TV and them sitting around the table watching him cook and tasting his food. Sometimes he would actually have them cooking. The babies would be sitting on top of the table eating whatever they could eat at the time. (Not baby food either). My dad would stay up all night cooking the main dishes while me, my sister, my ex, my mom and step-dad all had one or 2 of our own dishes to bring to the table. Then Thanksgiving morning for several years we would get up early go to our church, feed the homeless and then come back home to eat our feast. Of course then the guys would watch or go play football (the Turkey Bowl they called it) and we all would nap at some point. At the end of the day, my mom, my aunt, sister and I would go Black Friday shopping to get the children’s Christmas gifts and other items on our list. Thanksgiving also was our anniversary, November 23. So we would always celebrate that weekend by sneaking away for a day or 2 or just going out to dinner that weekend usually Saturday and/or Sunday. 

Then Christmas of course was right around the corner.  I loved a real tree. On Friday morning, after Thanksgiving, my ex would get up and go get my real tree (which had to be flocked, since I am originally from Michigan I wanted the look of snow at Christmas) and we would decorate the whole house. Our first house we only had one artificial tree. But in my dream home, we had 3 trees. The flocked one for the front foyer which was department store looking, all purple and silver. Then an artificial one that was blue and gold in the family room, where all of the actual presents and the Santa gifts went and finally the kids had their tree upstairs, where they put all of their handmade ornaments and decorated however they wanted. I wasn’t one of the moms who wanted those ornaments on my regular tree! 😂  

At Christmas, as they got older I started doing the 12 days of Christmas, we would do something fun every day. Like a craft, Gingerbread house competitions, candy Christmas trees, movie nights, etc.  The children’s friends loved to come over and join in the fun sometimes too. During the Christmas holiday break we always took our annual family picture too. We always did this large family picture of the whole clan with my parents and step dad, my siblings, in-loves and all the children including my nieces and nephews. These pictures were always our gifts to friends and family. 

Christmas dinner and prep started just like Thanksgiving with my dad and I shopping a week before for all of our food and it being a week long prepping session. The only difference is my oldest son was born on Christmas Eve so there was always a party, celebration or outing for him. Due to his birthday being on Christmas Eve, I tried to make sure we always did something on his birthday like bowling, skating, Chuck E Cheese, go carting or a party at the house. 

Christmas morning would start with the children waking up super early of course to open gifts, waiting on the stairs for all the adults to get up so that they could dive in. Then Dad would start to cook dinner and we would attend a church service for an hour. As the children got older, we would always try to go to the movies for a Christmas Day movie. Then come home finish dinner and eat. We would usually play a game that was most likely purchased by my Aunt. She always finds the coolest, fun but unique games. The majority of the time they were educational family games. 

New Years was always a simple but typical dinner usually cooked by my ex, my sister and mom and then football.  But this time of year was filled with so much spirit, lots of family & friends and loads of fun! I always felt the love and warmth all around! I loved playing hostess and organizer too.

But you ask why it is a Trigger? This time of year? Well you go from all of that love and fun, family, friends and tradition to emptiness, quietness, stillness, an empty house on the holiday. I felt like the rug was yanked from under me. I felt alone at a time that was made for family and friends.

I remember my first Christmas wasn’t so bad because the children spent a good portion of the day with me. But years, two through four, were depressing. I hated for November and December to come. I hated to see decorations. I did not decorate. I remember several times when Thanksgiving Eve and Christmas Eve would come I would climb into ‘my black hole’ and not come out until the day after Thanksgiving or the day after Christmas, sometimes not even until after the New Year. Most of the times only because I had to work would be the reason I would come out of the hole. I would usually stay locked up in my room, crying, sulking, wishing that my children were with me. I only came out for an hour or two because my mom, aunt and sister forced me out, especially my sister. She would come in my room and make it her business to not let me sit there and be depressed. She never was judgmental or mean when she did but always calm, positive and sweet. How could I tell her no?

So, yes, the Holiday seasons are definitely triggers! They force you to think about all the past memories and leaving you sometimes feeling alone, broken and sad.

Fast forward to now…..

I have learned that I must grow from my mistakes and appreciate, be happy and make the most of every situation that God places you in. I wasn’t really alone, I still had my family there for me, they never left my side, but I chose to remove myself from the celebration and family fun just because I wanted to focus on the glass half empty instead of half full. This year will be the first year that I am actually so excited for the holidays again even though I may be alone I am finally looking forward to and appreciating the stillness and quietness! 

P. S. If you are feeling this way this season please send me a message so that we can talk! 

With Love,

Your Girl, K. Lyte