Happy Birthday to Me!

I am blessed to be here! Today, God blessed me to see 44 years of life on His earth. I am celebrating BIG this year! Several people, especially those who don’t know me personally, keep asking me, “is this a milestone year?” I am happy to yell YES! It’s a milestone that I am living, that I am loving and that I am laughing a bunch!  If it weren’t for God and His plan for my life, His grace and His healing power I would be dead. This month I want to talk about something that is so real - suicide.  I recently found out that the symbol for suicide survivors is a semicolon. “A semi colon is used by an author when they could have ended their sentence and choose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.” Amy Bleuel, Founder of Project Semicolon. I have had 2 near death experiences.  I was so angry with God at the time for allowing me to live through both instances.  The first was a really bad car accident. It was early in the morning, January 4, 2016 (I only know the exact date because I have pictures of my car). I was on my way to work so it was like 5:20 in the morning. I was traveling my regular route to work. I was in an accident so bad that when I tell you how it ended you will only be able to say But God!  My car collided with another car, knocked me into the right guardrail on the exit. When I hit the rail my car spun around only to divert back into the oncoming traffic. The traffic was traveling south and my car was traveling north into the traffic. I was headed straight to a semi truck! Meanwhile, I didn't have control of the wheel, yet somehow I ended up parked almost perfectly on the shoulder of the expressway facing north and the semi truck missing me by seconds. Only minor damages to my car and none to me. The initial car that hit me was impacted.. No other cars were hit and everyone walked away from the accident. A normal person, not depressed or suicidal would be praising God. But not me! I cried and yelled at God. Why did you let me survive? You could have just let me die! I don’t want to live. I cried so long and so hard on my steering wheel that day, the people who stopped to help thought something was really wrong with me. Trying to get in my car and knocking on the window. I was so angry at God for that. I finally put my fresh signature Kaevon fake face back on and dealt with the accident. I called my mom to tell her I was okay and had just got in a really bad car accident. I told her what happened and how angry at God I was for letting me live. I sucked it up and I even went to work that day like I was okay. 

I probably should have gone to psychiatrist, because  a couple of months later and I actually tried to commit suicide.  October 2016

I was busy at work and received a call from my daughter. She was hysterically crying and very upset. When I finally got her to calm down she went on to tell me what made her so upset. I tried to be the perfect mother and tell her everything would be okay. I told her I would call her back. I was devastated from the conversation. Not only for my daughter but for myself. I was hurting so bad I felt as if my heart was bleeding inside of my body. I couldn’t be her mother in that moment because my pain (so I thought) was harder than hers. She was hit indirectly by the conversation and I was hit directly. I ran back into work, grabbed my things and left to go home. I cried hysterically the whole way home.

Watch how God works...

My mom was home and right in the path of me getting to my room. My daughter had already called my mom to clue her in.  As always, my mom was right there to try to console me and nurse me back to health, as any great mother would. She was trying to give me some really sound advice about the conversation she and my daughter had earlier. My mom told me I needed to pray to ask God for strength. However, I did not want to hear it that day. I was fed up and tired. All I wanted to do was die! There was no need for me to keep living. I couldn’t help my daughter. I felt it was my fault she was in pain because she was defending me. I was embarrassed of what she told me and what people would think. I was angry that I thought I would get my husband back .  I still loved a man who no longer loved me. I was working a less than (minimal job) for a women with a bachelors degree. I couldn’t afford to live on my own, my family unit was broken and I felt empty and alone. So I rushed up to my room running, screaming and crying. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I locked my room door, entered the bathroom to grab what ever prescription meds that I had in my medicine cabinet at the time, took them to the bed and began to swallow. My mom was outside banging on the door and yelling for my nephew to come open my door immediately. He opened that door so quick! I felt like he was Superman! My mom came in and took everything away from me and just started praying. I only got 4 pills down by the time she got in. I was even more angry and just kept yelling and crying. My mom kept praying. I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up my mom was still there. I was still so angry that I woke up and I was not dead! I still didn’t want to move from that spot until God took His hand off of me. I was so angry at God for sparing my life! I was in a bad place for months maybe even a year after that. I wish that I could tell you that it was an easy fix to get me to the woman you see and know now but there isn’t.

My pastor said it best in his sermon, a couple of weeks ago, it was effective prayers by the people who love me and even by me, when I had the strength. Per my Pastors sermon, they were effective because they were humble, specific, persistent and expectant prayers.  If the healed, with a clearer head woman today could talk to the suicidal woman she would say, Honey, please understand that you have to first learn how to love yourself. You can’t love yourself if you want to take your own life. Why don’t you love yourself? You have 4 beautiful children who you gave birth to and have been a great mother to. Even if they don’t show it the way you would like them to, they do love you and would not be able to live life without you. You have an amazing mother and sister who have been in the trenches with you and would do anything to take some of the pain away from you. You have brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles who would also. Friends who want to help heal your hurt. All of these people love you but you have to love you first. Write it on your bathroom mirror that you are a beautiful person, inside and out, that God Loves you. Practice saying that you love yourself. I would also tell that woman not to be so selfish! Sure you could have succeeded and died. But that would have been a selfish act. Imagine how that could affect all of those people close to you? How would your children continue to live if that happened? How do you think they will look and feel about you and themselves? How about your family and friends? What about the plans that God has for your life? He allows pain, trials and tribulations for several reasons. Sometimes it’s for how you will bless someone else. Also, don’t feel sorry for yourself, that will take you down a roller coaster of emotions that's hard to get off. That isn’t heathy. We all get like that from time to time but if you get stuck there it can suffocate you. Make a list of goals and focus on them. When you fall get back up and try again.  So, to my sisters, who may be suicidal today, think about tomorrow and know the sun will come up in the morning. Know that it is not going to get better instantly, however with much prayer and a supportive circle that truly loves you - you can and will be able to get through your situation.  Today, my birthday, my 44th birthday, and happiest birthday as an adult is your motivation. I am a living testimony of God’s amazing healing power! I still have sad days just like others but I only give myself a certain amount of time and then I pray through and shake it off. I no longer sit in my depression. I used to call it my black hole. A lot of my family and friends remember me referring to my hole daily. I would get in it and would not come out for weeks. Wouldn’t talk, couldn’t laugh, just sit. The only thing I could do was go to work. Sometimes I couldn’t even make it to the gym and y’all know how I am about the gym.  But with Gods help that black hole has been filled with a beautiful strong tree. The tree is there as a reminder of where I’ve come from and as a vision of where I’m going. 

A note for family and friends with a love one going through depression and threatening suicide. Please don’t take it lightly. Try not to get frustrated with them. Practice patience and know your role. My mom knows she is my mom, she knows that she is strong willed, she knew that she went through similar things with my dad and their divorce.  But she picks and chooses when she would say things to me. But she prayed without ceasing. I know we hear those words all the time and read those words in the Bible but I know my Mother did just that. My sister, very different than me, very chill, calm, sweet but concerned about her baby Sis. She would call me and if I didn’t answer, leave a message or text me. She would come over and come in my room when I was in the black hole and always invite me to go places even though she knew I would say no. She never got sick of my no’s, she never threw her hands up like forget it or say ‘I’m over it!’ One of my aunts, when she would come to visit would always have an “aunt in need” project that she needed me to do to try to get me out the hole. Very rarely would she actually come in my room, but if I came out for air she was trying to get me to do something to get my mind off of my problems. She is also the aunt that tried to get me to start journaling as soon as it all happened. My brothers both knew their lane too. They each had different reaction and feelings; however, when they were in my space I always knew that they had my back no matter what. My family is huge so I could go on and on about my family. But I am blessed because I was born into a praying one. They all were praying for me. I can’t write in my blog about my crazy cousins, but they know who they are and why they are crazy! 

Friends! I think the friend lane is a blog subject all to itself and I will expand on it later. I must say that I am blessed to have so many friends who care so much about me. I have three best friends who went through the worst with me. Two of them knew me before there was even a Mrs. before my name and the other one for at least 12 years. It was hard for two of them because they don’t live in the same state. They knew when to text, when to call and when to threaten me on a voicemail. They gave me the cold hard truth about myself and my situation several times. Even though they knew it would probably hurt my feelings they knew what had to be said. The one that lives here would show up to my house when I didn’t answer the phone and make me get up out of my hole by taking me places to get my mind off of my current mood or sit in my hole with me if I wouldn’t move. I would go on trips to visit them or they would take me places. We would act like we were back in high school or college days and just laugh. 

I am blessed to have so many friends and they all played an important roll in my healing process. Some were there just to allow me to cry on their couch instead of going home to my hole, some were there to take me out and show me how much music and dancing were therapeutic for me, some taught me that working out and eating right were good ways to relieve stress when done properly, some did not judge me when I got sloppy drunk a time or 2 and they had to nurse me back to life, some would just say ‘they don’t know your life!’ and allow me to be me, some would just text me from time to time and say I’m proud of you, some just allowed me to live vicariously threw them. Most prayed and DID NOT judge me. They allowed me to be hurt and be in pain. Some did have to step away for a while because I hurt them.  But the true friends we have all kissed and made up!  Suicide and the thought of wanting to end your life is real to more people than you think. If you are reading this post today and you are the person who wants to end your life, please know that it takes seconds to end your life but you have so many beautiful minutes, hours, days, weeks  and years ahead of you, Look to God and those people around you in your circle that love you! Take a pen and write on a piece of paper ‘I Love Me’ stick it to your mirror and say it everyday until you believe it! Do not let that person or your circumstances win. You will win today! I am your proof!  Do not be a period or a semi colon, but be a comma! Which is a pause in the sentence!  Happy Birthday To You! This is the first day of your healing process and to your eternal happiness!  Love,  K. Lyte