Daddy Issues

One day, I was talking to one of my close friends (who happens to be a guy) and he was talking about how some women have daddy issues and it makes it hard for them to understand and deal with men.

As he was talking, some of the things he was saying made me think about myself. If I was honest with myself, I had daddy issues too.

It was a regular Sunday morning, (so I thought) Mother’s Day 1985. My family was getting ready to go to the city to our church. We were all dressed up in our Sunday Mother’s Day best. I remember being excited because I was about to see my Grandma Alice, Grandma Josie and Granddaddy Lorenzo, and all my aunts and uncles as we did on holidays and most Sundays . I just loved going to see my family.

Then it happened. I heard my daddy hollering at my mom. I wasn’t sure what was happening because I never heard nor witnessed that. They were in their bedroom. Then my mom came out and my dad followed. My sister, who is the oldest, instantly reacted and I remember her saying my older brother, my younger brother and myself to come on, let's go down the street to the neighbor’s house. We were really close to the parents and the kids, who were the same ages as each of us, except my older brother. My sister was always taking care of us like a second mother and went into protection mode.

However, me being the feisty and sometimes hard-headed person that some of you know that I am, I told my sister that I was not leaving my mom and that I was staying. She tried to debate but she knew her little 10-year-old sister was not leaving and she wanted to get my brothers out and down the street so that she could come back and deal with mom and dad. So she left.

Next, I turned my attention back to my parents and at that moment my dad went to hit my mom. I jumped in front of her and told him he’d better not touch my mother! My mom was trying to move me out the way! He turned and left the house never to come back.

For the days, months and years after that I hated him! I hated that he left our family, I hated that I lost my daddy, whom I loved so much because we used to have so much fun together! I hated that he went to be with another woman, the one who he cheated on my mom for. I hated that I had to share him with other kids that weren’t my brothers and sisters by blood. I hated that he left my mom to struggle to raise us on her own. I hated that he didn’t pay his child support for my brother and me. I hated that he broke up MY perfect family!

My Daddy was like my best friend then. I loved his cooking, he would always take us to Eastern Michigan's pool in the summer to go swimming and it seemed like we would go every day. He taught us how to swim. He would get in the pool with us and play. He was an entrepreneur and a hustler all in one. He would sell paraphernalia at the Greek fraternity and sorority conferences. He would take me and my cousin as his little helpers. We would take inventory, help him sell to all of the conference attendees, make sure our booth stayed neat, and keep a count of the money (the best part!)

But all of that changed, and right when I needed him most -- when I was going middle school and learning about the other sex. He decided that other people and things were more important than his wife and children.

So when he left, he was no longer my daddy, I called him names like “That man who is supposed to be my father” and by his first name. I never called him “Daddy”, “Dad”, or “Father” for years -- not until my 3rd child was born in 2000.

Missing all of those years of daughter-daddy time and the lessons you learn from your father as a little girl and young woman really helped determine the woman I became and how I reacted and interacted with men. I never knew how much it affected me until the conversation over several days with my friend.

I began to see the connection between him leaving and things like me losing my virginity quickly after he left, when I had just turned 11. I was searching to be loved in all the wrong places. Then, I became pretty hardened when it came to love. I remember never having a real boyfriend. I had lots of friends but going through the motions with them or always looking to get something out of the relationship and not giving much or anything at all.

I also remember when I was married how I didn’t fully let him be the man. I didn’t trust that he could do it. I didn’t let my walls down. I didn’t want to be hurt by a man again.

I remember maybe a year or so after meeting my ex-husband, and getting pregnant while still in college. I went to get an abortion without even telling him. He was so upset. I remember saying something about it being my body and I was not about to have a baby with a dude who wasn’t my husband so I could be stuck by myself raising a child. He was very upset and hurt. I didn’t even really realize how wrong it was until he told me. I didn’t trust that any man was ever going to keep his word because of what my father did to me, and I didn’t want my kids to feel the way I felt! Needless to say we went on to have 4 beautiful children after that.

Now fast forwarding, I am 45 and I still struggle with Daddy issues that affect me so deeply I probably should go to counseling. But my Dad has passed away and I don’t know if I really want to drag up all of those feelings. However, they affected my marriage and still affect me in my relationships today. I see Daddy Issues happening in my daughter and niece too.

I don’t have any real insight on this subject but to my men out there, remember that you are your daughter’s first true love. You set the standard for her. You help her develop a good self concept so she can love herself first. You show her how a man should treat her and how not to settle for less. You show her that it is his responsibility to open the doors, walk closer to the curb and provide for you and the family. Then you also help guide her on how to treat a man, how to trust a man and how to love a man.

Women, if you have a father that you are estranged from or whom you don’t get along with well, ask him to go to counseling with you, tell him how you feel and how he has hurt you. But if you don’t know him or have a relationship with him, know yourself and recognize that you have these issues. Be honest with your mate and let him know up front about your relationship and your Daddy issues. When you all go to couples counseling bring it up early so he will know what he is dealing with. Give him the opportunity early to walk away. If you are in it and it’s too late to walk away, go to counseling together now.

To me, the hardest problems to conquer in a relationship are the ones you don’t know about or you don’t talk about.

Drop in the comments your thoughts? If you went to a counselor and they were good with you on this subject leave their info for us.

By the way, my Dad ended up being the best Grandfather ever for his grandchildren. They loved him to pieces. He was the same for them that he was for me way back and he continued to be that person to them until he was too sick. He always cooked on every holiday, made them their favorite birthday meal on their birthday, let them cook and taught them how to cook. He took them swimming and told them not to call him Granddaddy but Uncle because of all the beautiful women there. He laughed at them all the time, especially when they were giving us, their parents, a hard time. He would just crack up laughing in his laughing fits. Daddy used to take them on the city bus from the house all the way to the airport and then watch the planes land and take off, of course before 9-11 but they absolutely loved it! So did we, because it was the cheapest and simplest thing that we did not want to do but we were happy to have a sitter and some peace and quiet! He used to say he would write a book about the things that his grandchildren said, the words they made up, and the funny stories they told. He was so proud of each one of them in his own way. In addition, he was Uncle Clarence to so many and he would take on his great-nieces and great-nephews as babies too! He taught them all his hustle, (still waiting to see who will run with it). I remember he used to take my baby brother, when he was like 8, to downtown Detroit to sell fruit bags! I felt so sorry for him but he loved it! Plus Daddy knew everyone anyway! As for Daddy and I, I feel we made peace especially the days leading up to his death (he was in hospice for a few days). About a year before he died he was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder (a couple links below for more information) which helped me process some of his actions in his life that I didn't agree with.

At the end of the day, Moma used to always remind me of this scripture from the time he left and all the times I would complain about him.

Ephesians 6:2- Honor your father and mother is the first the commandment with a promise.

Rest in Heaven Daddy. I love and miss you! And please let someone else cook!

Always keeping it real.

Your girl,

K. Lyte

http://www.nami.org/

https://www.dbsalliance.org/